Sports Is Like

Damn, that simile was better than being served breakfast in bed by Angelina Jolie!

"Tebow Might Be Jesus, But Peyton Manning Is God" — it’s a folk song Dylan would have written, if he were a fat-ass that used to be a pretty decent high school football player.

Or Manning can join the Broncos despite Dave Loggins’ song from years ago. “Denver ain’t your kind of town. There ain’t no gold, and there ain’t nobody like me. ‘Cause I’m the number one fan of the man from Tennessee.”

(Denver Post, 3/14/12)

While it’s true that their ain’t no gold, there is money under the salary cap to spend on free agents, so while the deal wouldn’t involve Krugerrand or Monex shares, some sort of financial remuneration, or “gold”, would probably happen.

Also, who is replacing the song’s original female narrator as “the #1 fan”? Bud Adams? There are plenty of people like him. They’re called “rich assholes”, and according to all the latest data, their ranks are swelling like Jeff Fisher’s veins after he was forced to draft Vince Young.

Also Also, WHY CAN’T YOU JUST SAY THE NAME OF THE SONG? Are you trying to pretend like you’re going all deep cut on us, knowing full well that while no one in the universe remembers “Dave Loggins”, everyone in the universe knows “Please Come to Boston”? Honestly the only deep cut you should be dealing with is Kenny Britt, because that’s what’s going to happen to him if he gets arrested again, and that’s a pretty good reason for Manning to go with Denver over Tennessee regardless of what some random cousin of Kenny Loggins who also apparently wrote the ridiculous “Masters Theme Song” says.

— Jim Caldwell Messina

Even if you know a ton about college basketball, you’ll probably want to read this guide to picking a March Madness team for people who know absolutely nothing about college basketball. Why? Because it references newsman Sam Donaldson, and dudes wearing short-shorts. Also, I stayed up ‘til 4:30am Monday writing it: http://thrillist.tumblr.com/post/19236579702/ncaas
— Billy Packer

Even if you know a ton about college basketball, you’ll probably want to read this guide to picking a March Madness team for people who know absolutely nothing about college basketball. Why? Because it references newsman Sam Donaldson, and dudes wearing short-shorts. Also, I stayed up ‘til 4:30am Monday writing it: http://thrillist.tumblr.com/post/19236579702/ncaas

— Billy Packer

Manning made Indianapolis forget that it was a football stepmother…Luck, the presumptive No. 1 choice, was a remarkable college quarterback. But show me the documentation that guarantees he’ll be a remarkable NFL quarterback. I’ll go read — and finish — James Joyce’s “Ulysses” as you try to find that paperwork.
(ESPN, March 7, 2012)Before Peyton, the Colts were an evil bitch who could never hope to replace the other 31 teams’ real mother, who tragically died of Susan Sarandonitis. And this new joker they’re thinking of drafting: please. He’s got about as much chance of being a remarkable NFL quarterback as another similarly graded draft prospect named Peyton Manning! They should trade down, pick up two first-round picks, and convert them into Tony Mandarich and Charles Rogers. Future: guaranteed. How you like dem rebuilding-process apples?
Thank God I’m so smart about football; I’d hate to actually have to read Ulysses.
— Courtland Finnegan’s Wake

Manning made Indianapolis forget that it was a football stepmother…Luck, the presumptive No. 1 choice, was a remarkable college quarterback. But show me the documentation that guarantees he’ll be a remarkable NFL quarterback. I’ll go read — and finish — James Joyce’s “Ulysses” as you try to find that paperwork.

(ESPN, March 7, 2012)

Before Peyton, the Colts were an evil bitch who could never hope to replace the other 31 teams’ real mother, who tragically died of Susan Sarandonitis. And this new joker they’re thinking of drafting: please. He’s got about as much chance of being a remarkable NFL quarterback as another similarly graded draft prospect named Peyton Manning! They should trade down, pick up two first-round picks, and convert them into Tony Mandarich and Charles Rogers. Future: guaranteed. How you like dem rebuilding-process apples?

Thank God I’m so smart about football; I’d hate to actually have to read Ulysses.

— Courtland Finnegan’s Wake

Not much heat from the Hawks for Jeremy Lin and the New York Knicks.That’s likely to change Thursday night when the show travels to Miami for Lin versus LeBron and some real Heat.
(AP, February 23, 2012)
So…the Hawks are tepid, and there are actual Heat players on the Heat who will apply some real heat to the Knicks because they don’t suck and are in fact Heat players?
You’re not even trying to be terrible, are you.
— UPI

Not much heat from the Hawks for Jeremy Lin and the New York Knicks.

That’s likely to change Thursday night when the show travels to Miami for Lin versus LeBron and some real Heat.

(AP, February 23, 2012)

So…the Hawks are tepid, and there are actual Heat players on the Heat who will apply some real heat to the Knicks because they don’t suck and are in fact Heat players?

You’re not even trying to be terrible, are you.

— UPI

And, despite what Karl states adamantly, the Nuggets don’t have a closer any more than the White Sox did last year. Maybe the Nuggets should sign Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson, “The Closer” on TV. Many of the Nuggets don’t want the ball in the last two minutes, and those that do can’t score at the end.
(Denver Post, February 9, 2012)
1) Clearly, the number one question on Denver hoops fans’ minds right now isn’t the Nuggets’ lack of a go-to guy at the end of games, or even whether or not 36-year-old Rafael Betancourt can handle playing the Rockies’ closer role for an entire season. It’s “Man, how about that White Sox closer situation? Bad, right?” 2) To handle this Sergio Santosian dilemma, the Nuggets definitely need to bring in the basketball equivalent of “Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson”, though since many fans will react angrily to the team paying top-dollar for someone nobody’s ever heard of, they might consider bringing in the basketball equivalent of Kyra Sedgwick, who some people have heard of. 3) Either way, the ideal candidate should have a horrible fake southern accent — if there’s anybody out there with ice in their veins and a comically overwrought impersonation of Josh “Jorts” Harrelson in their throat, the Nuggets could use your services.4) The player should also have a reputation for closing out games using what Wikipedia describes in regards to Leigh Johnson/Sedgwick as “sometimes-questionable methods”: half-court shots based on “hunches” or “my gut, not some damn procedural manual”, warrantless searches of the paint, threats of gen-pop incarceration and subsequent prison-rape made to opposing players suspected of crimes, and strong, passive-aggressive hints that without full cooperation the Nuggets’ new clutch shooter will have no choice but to let the opposing team’s wives know they were having an affair with a dead prostitute. 5) Obviously this move is not a blueprint for all “The Closer” situations. If, for instance, TNT releases a new show called “The Closer” about a hapless schmuck whose job is to close up a 2nd-rate convenience store that doesn’t stay open 24hrs like those elitist dandies at the 7-11 across the street, you probably wouldn’t want the basketball equivalent of that guy. Or would you?
— That Guy Who Was Trying to Get Funding for a Supertrain in “Singles”, in Theaters

And, despite what Karl states adamantly, the Nuggets don’t have a closer any more than the White Sox did last year. Maybe the Nuggets should sign Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson, “The Closer” on TV. Many of the Nuggets don’t want the ball in the last two minutes, and those that do can’t score at the end.

(Denver Post, February 9, 2012)

1) Clearly, the number one question on Denver hoops fans’ minds right now isn’t the Nuggets’ lack of a go-to guy at the end of games, or even whether or not 36-year-old Rafael Betancourt can handle playing the Rockies’ closer role for an entire season. It’s “Man, how about that White Sox closer situation? Bad, right?”
2) To handle this Sergio Santosian dilemma, the Nuggets definitely need to bring in the basketball equivalent of “Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson”, though since many fans will react angrily to the team paying top-dollar for someone nobody’s ever heard of, they might consider bringing in the basketball equivalent of Kyra Sedgwick, who some people have heard of.
3) Either way, the ideal candidate should have a horrible fake southern accent — if there’s anybody out there with ice in their veins and a comically overwrought impersonation of Josh “Jorts” Harrelson in their throat, the Nuggets could use your services.
4) The player should also have a reputation for closing out games using what Wikipedia describes in regards to Leigh Johnson/Sedgwick as “sometimes-questionable methods”: half-court shots based on “hunches” or “my gut, not some damn procedural manual”, warrantless searches of the paint, threats of gen-pop incarceration and subsequent prison-rape made to opposing players suspected of crimes, and strong, passive-aggressive hints that without full cooperation the Nuggets’ new clutch shooter will have no choice but to let the opposing team’s wives know they were having an affair with a dead prostitute.
5) Obviously this move is not a blueprint for all “The Closer” situations. If, for instance, TNT releases a new show called “The Closer” about a hapless schmuck whose job is to close up a 2nd-rate convenience store that doesn’t stay open 24hrs like those elitist dandies at the 7-11 across the street, you probably wouldn’t want the basketball equivalent of that guy. Or would you?

— That Guy Who Was Trying to Get Funding for a Supertrain in “Singles”, in Theaters

An old Bon Jovi song, set to Jeremy Lin lyrics. This is what sports writing should be about.

all from ESPN.com, Feb 14, 2012
It’s bumper-to-bumper on the Jeremy Lin Bypass these days. Every single NBA team and every single Division I college coach who gives hoops scholarships passed on SuperAsian point guard Jeremy Shu-How Lin of the New York Knicks. And now they’re paying the toll.
Wait, so Mitch Kupchack and Mark Cuban and Michelle Obama’s brother, they’re all stuck on this road. I got that part. So how exactly are they paying this toll? They’re stuck, they’re not going anywhere! It’s very crowded, this road created by Jeremy Lin, who also has middle names that make him sound even more SuperAsian when you use them. 
Lin had a lower interest rate than CDs. He went unoffered coming out of high school and undrafted out of Harvard. Now the kid is Lin-fuego. 
I’m totally interested in CDs. In fact, I just popped some fresh AAs into my DiscMan and listened to the Crystal Method, which isn’t a very good band, but is a much better pun than Lin-fuego.
How could so many be so blind? How could they not see a Tiffany diamond at Goodwill prices? What was he? Linvisible?
Few people know that really rich women, every so often, drop garbage bags full of diamonds into giant metal bins in the church parking lot. And Linvisible actually sounds like a pretty good pun, except when you break it down, it’s like he’s Lin, which he is, and he’s visible which is the opposite of invisible, so that’s not that good. 
Players this good don’t just become. They are.
Wait, aren’t these the same thing? BOOM: I just became (in my pants! JK, not really, that would be inappropriate to recount on a sports blog). Here I am, now that I became, just before. Anyway, someone clearly needs to read the article about how Lin’s dad made him do Pistol Pete ballhandling drills and Kareem skyhooks for hours every day, long before he was.
He gives every kid at the end of every high school bench, every college scrub who never gets a minute, every 13th man in the NBA … faith. Faith that someday, if he can finally get his chance, he can Shu them How.
Oh right, he’s Asian.
Fortune lies in front of Lin like a golden highway now. And it should. He paved it. Congrats to him. Without his will and effort, the poor kid probably would be stuck running Goldman Sachs by now. 
Because he’s Asian?! Racist! Oh wait, because he went to Harvard? Still racist! Also, why would anyone smart enough to attend Harvard ever take that highway that all the stupid people who didn’t draft him are forced to drive on, and put all this money he just made into paving it with precious metals? That shit’ll never hold up.

all from ESPN.com, Feb 14, 2012

It’s bumper-to-bumper on the Jeremy Lin Bypass these days. Every single NBA team and every single Division I college coach who gives hoops scholarships passed on SuperAsian point guard Jeremy Shu-How Lin of the New York Knicks. And now they’re paying the toll.

Wait, so Mitch Kupchack and Mark Cuban and Michelle Obama’s brother, they’re all stuck on this road. I got that part. So how exactly are they paying this toll? They’re stuck, they’re not going anywhere! It’s very crowded, this road created by Jeremy Lin, who also has middle names that make him sound even more SuperAsian when you use them. 

Lin had a lower interest rate than CDs. He went unoffered coming out of high school and undrafted out of Harvard. Now the kid is Lin-fuego. 

I’m totally interested in CDs. In fact, I just popped some fresh AAs into my DiscMan and listened to the Crystal Method, which isn’t a very good band, but is a much better pun than Lin-fuego.

How could so many be so blind? How could they not see a Tiffany diamond at Goodwill prices? What was he? Linvisible?

Few people know that really rich women, every so often, drop garbage bags full of diamonds into giant metal bins in the church parking lot. And Linvisible actually sounds like a pretty good pun, except when you break it down, it’s like he’s Lin, which he is, and he’s visible which is the opposite of invisible, so that’s not that good. 

Players this good don’t just become. They are.

Wait, aren’t these the same thing? BOOM: I just became (in my pants! JK, not really, that would be inappropriate to recount on a sports blog). Here I am, now that I became, just before. Anyway, someone clearly needs to read the article about how Lin’s dad made him do Pistol Pete ballhandling drills and Kareem skyhooks for hours every day, long before he was.

He gives every kid at the end of every high school bench, every college scrub who never gets a minute, every 13th man in the NBA … faith. Faith that someday, if he can finally get his chance, he can Shu them How.

Oh right, he’s Asian.

Fortune lies in front of Lin like a golden highway now. And it should. He paved it. Congrats to him. Without his will and effort, the poor kid probably would be stuck running Goldman Sachs by now. 

Because he’s Asian?! Racist! Oh wait, because he went to Harvard? Still racist! Also, why would anyone smart enough to attend Harvard ever take that highway that all the stupid people who didn’t draft him are forced to drive on, and put all this money he just made into paving it with precious metals? That shit’ll never hold up.

[Smith] seems willing to at least depart a bit from his reluctant pier — he needs defensive help and he can’t count on all of it right away through the draft — but don’t expect a cannonball splash once A.J. cranes his prizes off the good ship Free Agent.
(U-T San Diego, February 13, 2012)
1) Why does a ship that formerly transported lollipops need cannons? Or is A.J. firing cannons at the ship? That doesn’t seem like a good way to attract free agents. 2) Then again, he’s already craned the free agents off. Now firing cannons just makes him seem like a dick.3) What kind of crane is this? If it’s a construction crane, that Polish dude from The Wire is going to be pissed A.J. operated it without consulting the longshoremen — total Michael Scott move. If it’s one of those arcade cranes that actually snatches prizes, some little kid is going to be pissed A.J. took all the good free-agent Teddy Ruxpin knockoffs.4) What is he departing the pier on? The good ship General Manager? Or is he swimming? The water is nice in San Diego, but he is old.5) How can he operate the crane once he’s left the pier? Not that a drowning metaphor wouldn’t be appropriate for this franchise.6) Why does he keep missing the ship with the cannonballs? If the ship’s close enough that free agents can be craned onto the docks, the cannonballs shouldn’t be splashing into the water. They should be shattering the berth of Mark Davis.
— Daniel LaRusso

[Smith] seems willing to at least depart a bit from his reluctant pier — he needs defensive help and he can’t count on all of it right away through the draft — but don’t expect a cannonball splash once A.J. cranes his prizes off the good ship Free Agent.

(U-T San Diego, February 13, 2012)


1) Why does a ship that formerly transported lollipops need cannons? Or is A.J. firing cannons at the ship? That doesn’t seem like a good way to attract free agents.
2) Then again, he’s already craned the free agents off. Now firing cannons just makes him seem like a dick.
3) What kind of crane is this? If it’s a construction crane, that Polish dude from The Wire is going to be pissed A.J. operated it without consulting the longshoremen — total Michael Scott move. If it’s one of those arcade cranes that actually snatches prizes, some little kid is going to be pissed A.J. took all the good free-agent Teddy Ruxpin knockoffs.
4) What is he departing the pier on? The good ship General Manager? Or is he swimming? The water is nice in San Diego, but he is old.
5) How can he operate the crane once he’s left the pier? Not that a drowning metaphor wouldn’t be appropriate for this franchise.
6) Why does he keep missing the ship with the cannonballs? If the ship’s close enough that free agents can be craned onto the docks, the cannonballs shouldn’t be splashing into the water. They should be shattering the berth of Mark Davis.

— Daniel LaRusso

Nevin Shapiro, the convicted Ponzi schemer, disgraced ex-UM booster and  all-round two-legged sac of scum, was given a forum in Sunday’s Miami  Herald to threaten and rant yet again against the Hurricanes from his  prison cell. ENOUGH, PLEASE! He should be excommunicated and left to rant to  no one but his cell mate, who UM fans and victims of his mass swindling  can only hope is a randy and immensely flatulent 400-pound biker with  anger issues.
(Miami Herald, February 13th, 2012)
And I’d say the same thing to Vince Wilfork, right to his face! If he was in prison too, and instead of being a 6’2”, 400-pound defensive tackle, was also a 5’2”, 120-pound sac(k?) named “Nevin”. I’d also prefer it if he wasn’t flatulent, but it might be nice if he’s randy. PLEASE!
Actually please no. Let’s reserve prison rape for people who committed out-of-prison rape.
— That Dude from The Wire Who Hates It When People Rape People

Nevin Shapiro, the convicted Ponzi schemer, disgraced ex-UM booster and all-round two-legged sac of scum, was given a forum in Sunday’s Miami Herald to threaten and rant yet again against the Hurricanes from his prison cell. ENOUGH, PLEASE! He should be excommunicated and left to rant to no one but his cell mate, who UM fans and victims of his mass swindling can only hope is a randy and immensely flatulent 400-pound biker with anger issues.

(Miami Herald, February 13th, 2012)

And I’d say the same thing to Vince Wilfork, right to his face! If he was in prison too, and instead of being a 6’2”, 400-pound defensive tackle, was also a 5’2”, 120-pound sac(k?) named “Nevin”. I’d also prefer it if he wasn’t flatulent, but it might be nice if he’s randy. PLEASE!

Actually please no. Let’s reserve prison rape for people who committed out-of-prison rape.

— That Dude from The Wire Who Hates It When People Rape People