Sports Is Like

Damn, that simile was better than being served breakfast in bed by Angelina Jolie!
“But we also must consider the other side of the deal: the Z’s — Big and Little — have finally come together in the way two DNA-related amoebas will undulate through a teeming swamp and finally conjoin and absorb one another.” (Miami Sun-Times, Jan 4, 2012)
Scientist 1: Holy baloney! Phrases like this are how us scientists express shock! Come quick, I’ve made a major breakthough!
Scientist 2: Crikey! I’m a British scientist! Your excitement made me spill an Erlenmeyer flask full of sulfuric acid all over my freshly laundered lab coat! Whatever have you uncovered?
Scientist 1: After months of complex scientific exploration, following the critical thinking hotbed called the “Winter Meetings”, I’ve realized that Big Z and Little Z can be combined into a single entity! 
Scientist 2: Amazing! 
Scientist 1: Yes, but the truly amazing part is that Little Z doesn’t even exist! I’ve searched every possible Internet journal and there is zero record of him! Nobody has ever used that nickname for the subject of this experiment! Nobody even calls it regular “Z”! We’ve created something from nothing, which in turn has created something else! 
Scientist 2: We really tend to yell a lot!
Scientist 1: I know! Let’s celebrate with Martinelli’s sparkling cider and the company of other men!
Scientist 2: Just capital!
*no amoebas were hurt during in the transcription of this scene. also, amoebas generally reproduce asexually by a process called budding. if they just went around conjoining like that, the streets would be literally filled with giant conjoining amoebas that would make it very difficult for baseball trades to be at the forefront of anybody’s mind.
— Li’l Zé, murderous favela drug lord, and person who does not enjoy his name being almost-stolen

“But we also must consider the other side of the deal: the Z’s — Big and Little — have finally come together in the way two DNA-related amoebas will undulate through a teeming swamp and finally conjoin and absorb one another.” (Miami Sun-Times, Jan 4, 2012)

Scientist 1: Holy baloney! Phrases like this are how us scientists express shock! Come quick, I’ve made a major breakthough!

Scientist 2: Crikey! I’m a British scientist! Your excitement made me spill an Erlenmeyer flask full of sulfuric acid all over my freshly laundered lab coat! Whatever have you uncovered?

Scientist 1: After months of complex scientific exploration, following the critical thinking hotbed called the “Winter Meetings”, I’ve realized that Big Z and Little Z can be combined into a single entity! 

Scientist 2: Amazing! 

Scientist 1: Yes, but the truly amazing part is that Little Z doesn’t even exist! I’ve searched every possible Internet journal and there is zero record of him! Nobody has ever used that nickname for the subject of this experiment! Nobody even calls it regular “Z”! We’ve created something from nothing, which in turn has created something else! 

Scientist 2: We really tend to yell a lot!

Scientist 1: I know! Let’s celebrate with Martinelli’s sparkling cider and the company of other men!

Scientist 2: Just capital!

*no amoebas were hurt during in the transcription of this scene. also, amoebas generally reproduce asexually by a process called budding. if they just went around conjoining like that, the streets would be literally filled with giant conjoining amoebas that would make it very difficult for baseball trades to be at the forefront of anybody’s mind.

— Li’l Zé, murderous favela drug lord, and person who does not enjoy his name being almost-stolen

  1. sportsislike posted this