Sports Is Like

Damn, that simile was better than being served breakfast in bed by Angelina Jolie!
A Humble Case Against Naming Jeremy Lin “The NBA’s Tim Tebow” Either Out of Laziness or Moronic Exuberance
1) Tebow’s dad is a white dude who travels overseas to convert people. Lin’s dad came from overseas, from a place where, historically, white dudes have spent a lot of time converting people.2) If all it took for an athlete to match Tebow’s crazy devoutness was giving a post-game shout-out to God or Jesus, the NBA would be at least 35% Tebow. Lin has not made a commercial for James Dobson, performed circumcisions, or been caught on the bench singing “My God is an awesome God.” No one has reported on the status of his virginity, and if God is truly awesome, no one is attempting to. 3) Lin hasn’t forced the Knicks to revert to a primitive offense.4) Lin completes passes. And scores points. And does other stuff players with great fundamentals do. In the words of Kingsbury Factor's Neon Bodoe, “No matter how the rest of this goes for him, if you were creating a point guard, you'd want him to have the exact skills Lin does — ball-handling, finishing, lobs, textbook (if a bit mechanical) jumper. Tebow throws the football like a monkey throws its own poop, with considerably less accuracy. Nobody would ever, ever intentionally teach their child to throw like a poop-chucking monkey.”5) Lin doesn’t suck for three quarters.6) To win with Lin, the Knicks don’t have to depend on a dominant performance by a defense on which Lin does not play. 7) Lin is not a physical freak who experts predicted would have more success at power-forward than point. 8) Lin’s dad wanted his kids to play basketball partly because he thought it would be a beautiful way for them to assimilate. Tebow’s parents home-schooled him to prevent assimilation, which, like Satan, has an “S” in it. And two A’s and an N.9) There are tons of white dudes in the NFL. Almost all of them went to Florida. Several of them are quarterbacks.10) Lin’s been overlooked from the beginning. Unlike 99.9% of all future NBAers, he struggled to win believers in high school, because, you know, he’s Asian. He got zero scholarship offers. Went undrafted. Got signed-n-dumped by a useless franchise. Got his Knicks shot because a sinking coach said (Bodoe again) “fuck it, let’s just see what this kid’s got in games we’re likely going to lose anyway, because we need to guarantee his contract by the end of the week or just give him up”.
And because two guys got injured. But nobody was praying those guys would get injured/traded/benched so that Lin could start, because nobody had any idea Lin was on the team.
Tebow was a blue-chipper out of high school despite never attending high school. He won two national championships, one as starter, one as bulldozer. He got drafted too high because he was popular, and because Josh McDaniels has even more faith in his ability to fix shitty mechanics than Tebow has in Awesome God. There were rumors he’d go even higher because people in Jacksonville also think God is awesome, but NFL teams don’t spend 1st round picks on marketing initiatives.
He got his Denver shot because everybody wanted him to, either because they had an irrational faith in his abilities/Tebowness, or because they wanted to see him crushed under the weight of a reality that doesn’t care about how enthusiastic you are for football/Jesus/Filipino children.
11) Jeremy Lin is not divisive. Nobody hates him. Except Tim Tebow, in about three years, when despite Lin’s minimal proselytizing he becomes the Kim Kardashian of Christian professional athletes, and Tebow the latter-day Paris Hilton. Or he grows out of the religion thing, yet for inexplicable reasons (good at basketball; really loves basketball; no-contract-having, couch-crashing origin story), everybody still likes him anyway.
— Dat Nguyen

A Humble Case Against Naming Jeremy Lin “The NBA’s Tim Tebow” Either Out of Laziness or Moronic Exuberance

1) Tebow’s dad is a white dude who travels overseas to convert people. Lin’s dad came from overseas, from a place where, historically, white dudes have spent a lot of time converting people.

2) If all it took for an athlete to match Tebow’s crazy devoutness was giving a post-game shout-out to God or Jesus, the NBA would be at least 35% Tebow. Lin has not made a commercial for James Dobson, performed circumcisions, or been caught on the bench singing “My God is an awesome God.” No one has reported on the status of his virginity, and if God is truly awesome, no one is attempting to.

3) Lin hasn’t forced the Knicks to revert to a primitive offense.

4) Lin completes passes. And scores points. And does other stuff players with great fundamentals do. In the words of Kingsbury Factor's Neon Bodoe, “No matter how the rest of this goes for him, if you were creating a point guard, you'd want him to have the exact skills Lin does — ball-handling, finishing, lobs, textbook (if a bit mechanical) jumper. Tebow throws the football like a monkey throws its own poop, with considerably less accuracy. Nobody would ever, ever intentionally teach their child to throw like a poop-chucking monkey.”

5) Lin doesn’t suck for three quarters.

6) To win with Lin, the Knicks don’t have to depend on a dominant performance by a defense on which Lin does not play.

7) Lin is not a physical freak who experts predicted would have more success at power-forward than point.

8) Lin’s dad wanted his kids to play basketball partly because he thought it would be a beautiful way for them to assimilate. Tebow’s parents home-schooled him to prevent assimilation, which, like Satan, has an “S” in it. And two A’s and an N.

9) There are tons of white dudes in the NFL. Almost all of them went to Florida. Several of them are quarterbacks.

10) Lin’s been overlooked from the beginning. Unlike 99.9% of all future NBAers, he struggled to win believers in high school, because, you know, he’s Asian. He got zero scholarship offers. Went undrafted. Got signed-n-dumped by a useless franchise. Got his Knicks shot because a sinking coach said (Bodoe again) “fuck it, let’s just see what this kid’s got in games we’re likely going to lose anyway, because we need to guarantee his contract by the end of the week or just give him up”.

And because two guys got injured. But nobody was praying those guys would get injured/traded/benched so that Lin could start, because nobody had any idea Lin was on the team.

Tebow was a blue-chipper out of high school despite never attending high school. He won two national championships, one as starter, one as bulldozer. He got drafted too high because he was popular, and because Josh McDaniels has even more faith in his ability to fix shitty mechanics than Tebow has in Awesome God. There were rumors he’d go even higher because people in Jacksonville also think God is awesome, but NFL teams don’t spend 1st round picks on marketing initiatives.

He got his Denver shot because everybody wanted him to, either because they had an irrational faith in his abilities/Tebowness, or because they wanted to see him crushed under the weight of a reality that doesn’t care about how enthusiastic you are for football/Jesus/Filipino children.

11) Jeremy Lin is not divisive. Nobody hates him. Except Tim Tebow, in about three years, when despite Lin’s minimal proselytizing he becomes the Kim Kardashian of Christian professional athletes, and Tebow the latter-day Paris Hilton. Or he grows out of the religion thing, yet for inexplicable reasons (good at basketball; really loves basketball; no-contract-having, couch-crashing origin story), everybody still likes him anyway.

— Dat Nguyen

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    I second everything.
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    Lin and tebow=love
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